He Golfed, and I Fought

I have found in my life that trusting God with every part of my life is not only imperative, but it is very beneficial.  God is so great and He will never let you down when you give Him your whole heart and trust him completely and entirely with every aspect of your life.

“I was eighteen when I got married, and my husband was nineteen. We were very immature and really knew nothing about how a marriage was supposed to work. We didn’t know how to communicate in any way, and from the beginning I believed God Almighty had sent me on a mission to change my husband in any way that I could. I knew that he would be the perfect man if only he would do as I wanted. We were both very stubborn, so I’m sure you can imagine what our marriage looked like. He golfed, and I fought. What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t fighting Satan like I originally thought, but instead I was fighting God and my husband. Praise God, divorce wasn’t an option in either of our minds (probably because we were both too stubborn), or I wouldn’t be sitting here telling you the testimony of God’s grace.”

My trust in God is what got me through the first few years of my marriage. Life was hard. I was lonely; I felt like I was the only one who was going through the kind of trials that I was going through. I was hard pressed on every side, and it’s hard when you’re in the midst of trials to realize that even though you’re hard pressed, you’re not crushed. I was confused about what was going on and wondering if things were ever going to change, but I was never left without hope.

Even in my loneliness I was never really abandoned or on my own. God never leaves us or forsakes us. During those few years, I constantly cried out to God. I tried to listen to what He told my heart and was willing to do what He wanted me to do. I spent every day in the Word. During those first few years I spent every second of every day dying to my flesh, and God delivered me from anger, bitterness, hatred, unforgiveness, condemnation, jealously, self-pity, and I’m sure many other things.

Somewhere during those first years, after crying out to God, I remember being in a Christian bookstore when this book jumped out at me. The name of the book was Is There a Moose in Your Marriage? (renamed The Politically Incorrect Wife). I grabbed the book off of the shelves and thought to myself, “Praise God! Finally, God has answered my prayers. Of course there is a moose in my marriage, and his name is Mr. Rory Wolff.” So I bought the book. Finally I was going to get the help I needed, and my husband would finally be the husband I knew he should be.

The book started out talking about how in Alaska once in a while a large moose will walk onto the road and just sit there. If you are trying to drive somewhere there is really no way to get the moose out of the way. Not only are they dangerous, but I doubt most moose are going to listen to you honk your horn. I sat there reading the book with a goofy grin on my face, thinking, “I know this book was written for me; and boy, she must know my husband.” The book continued on, and I soon realized that the author wasn’t referring to my husband as being the moose but me! This came as a bit of a shock. You see, up until this point I had blamed him, his parents, and everyone else for the problems in our marriage, never really realizing that it takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. Sure, he had as many issues as I did, but I soon came to perceive that no matter what, I will never be able to change anyone but myself. And even in changing myself I came to understand that I really couldn’t even do that on my own. I needed God’s help. We are unable to do anything without God, but with God we can do all things through Him who gives us strength (Phil. 4:13). It was still very tempting to try to change him, but in changing myself and dying to my flesh, I changed.

When I finally changed and God delivered me from sins, past hurts, wrong ways of thinking, and many other bondages, for the first time I was happy, clean, and free, and I no longer had to have the control, because I knew that God was in control. I knew that if God was the one in control all would be well. This didn’t happen overnight. Everything in life is a process and a season. Just as most people aren’t instantly transformed after they have accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior; most people aren’t instantly healed or delivered. I finally got to a point where I no longer had the need to change my husband. I wasn’t 100 percent satisfied with him, but I knew God would do a much better job than me. It was at this point in my life that my husband started to change, as did our marriage. He started to trust me and really love me, and we started to grow into one flesh. It was never easy, but it was a million times worth it to lay down my hurts, sins, pain, and even my husband on the throne and let God take the burden and fix it all.

I think it’s rough for Americans to get married because we are so used to having everything that we want. We are selfish, and we have these incorrect expectations. We enter into marriage and soon realize it’s not what we first thought, and then we want out. When I first got married it only took a week for me to realize that it was no honeymoon. I prayed to God and asked Him, “Why, after all the years of praying for the perfect husband and marriage, did You not give them to me?” I actually felt mad at God, like He had tricked me or had allowed Satan to trick me. But I clearly heard Him say that, like everything in life, if something is just given to you without any effort or work, not only will it not be worth as much to you but you will take it for granted. He really was answering my prayers, just not in the way I thought He would. He wanted me to have the best marriage, and He wanted me to hold it in high regard and never to take it for granted, but in order for that to happen I had to work for it.

Once I got my old ways of thinking out of the way I used to imagine Rory and I happily married. I would tell God my thoughts in detail. I would tell Him that I imagined that I would one day be a great vessel for Him to use and trust, and that I would be the woman of God that He created me to be. I imagined Rory and I would have the best marriage. We would be able to communicate. Rory would love me, and we’d have children, which at this time Rory didn’t want. I would dream out loud to God all of the time. I always made sure my thoughts were in line with His Word and His will for my life. Then I would tell God, “I imagine really big, God, but You promise to do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine.”

My life isn’t perfect, and I’m still imagining really big, believing God for bigger, but God has done exactly as He has promised. He has taken me to heights beyond anything I could have dreamed. He has restored my marriage, given me a wonderful husband, seven beautiful children whom Rory adores, and has changed me in the process. I still need a lot of changing. My heart isn’t always right. I still struggle with selfishness, I’m impatient in life and sometimes toward my children, and I struggle with how to balance my time in a fashion that glorifies God; but I know I am still a work in progress, and someday these and many other hidden sins will be taken from my life. I will continue day by day to grow closer to God through it all. I was willing to press through the hard things in life and was tremendously blessed because of it.”  (Taken from my book “A Heart After God”. Chapter Two, David Vs. Saul: Trust God In All Things)